Dear Stefanie,
It is hard to describe the absence I feel in my life since you left us. I think of you in the magical moments, in the soft moments, in the in between moments, in the happy moments, in the hard moments, in the moments when Rio is enjoying a croissant, and I think of how happy this would make you. I think of you all of the time, and I miss you so. I am learning to make space for my grief and make space for your absence in my life, because it is always going to be this way. I am consciously focussing on the sweetness of your memory and your essence, because that is how I want to remember you. I savour your sweetness, the sound of your laugh, the warmth of our hugs, the honour I feel in having been your friend.
You are one of a kind; the kind of friend that everyone dreams of having. The kind of friend that feels like sunshine. You radiate beauty, kindness and love, your style is effervescent and you spirit so warm and bright. I miss your sunshine in my life, but everyday when the sun rises I look up and am reminded that you are everywhere. And on the days the sun doesn’t shine, I remind myself that even the brightest light has a dark side.
They say it’s not about the friendships that last the longest, but the ones that make you feel like yourself that are the best ones. We were so lucky to have shared both. We grew up together, and we saw each other through it all. Talk about friends who are really rallying for each other, and who truly accept and love one another through every version of themselves. We were two Libras with our heads in the clouds, and our hearts on our sleeves.
You loved to take care of people. Whether it was through your amazing cooking, through the thoughtful gifts you gave, through your laughter and smile, or your ability to make people feel safe and cozy. You were a caretaker, that was your medicine. Jeeze, even when you were sick, you were making sure we all had chips to eat and movies to watch. I promise to nurture that gift and carry that piece of you in my life.
You always said you looked up to me, but I’m the one who will be looking up at you. You taught me so much and I will carry your teachings with me for the rest of my life. You really LIVED, and because of your ways, I am determined to enjoy a little more. To savour a good bite, a yummy drink, a belly laugh, a good cry. You keep guiding me with your spirit, your light, and your innate wisdom. Since you’ve been gone fear and grief feel bigger, but joy feels bigger too.
There is no space and time that can break the bond that we share. When I feel scared, I remember how brave you were. When I feel sad, I remember you’re with me and I’m not alone. When I feel happy and wish you could be with me, I know you’re doing a little dance wherever you are. And even though I know all of this, the space your absence has created is huge, and I wish you were here.
Alas.
Thank you for your lessons. Thank you for you, my sweet girl.
With endless love,
Jules
